An Open Letter

Dear Blogging Friends,

I am making a comittment before you today.  As most of you know, it has been 2 months of drama in our home and family.  I say drama because it has reached from the heights of joy to the depths of sorrow- with every emotion in between.  I want to commit to you (all 4 of my loyal readers!) that I will work through it.  You may want to take a break from the blog for a while-- I am not making any promises.  For the moment, all I am hoping for is authentic.  A heart set upon Jesus, waiting for His return, enduring what he called, "light and momentary affliction."  It will be a journey and I don't even know where it will lead us.  So, to start off the efforts, here's the list of the last 8 weeks:

1. An updated home study at the end of April.
2. An amazing reunion with dear seminary friends-- hallelujah!
3. Packing a family of 4 for a six-week trip over the ocean to a foreign land.
4. Riding with aforementioned family of 4 in airplanes over said ocean.
5. Arriving in previously mentioned foreign land only to hear that our home in the "safe" homeland had been broken into.
6. Learned that jewelry box with incredibly sentimental, though not valuable, items was the only thing stolen.
7. Remembered that also in said jewelery box was a drawer full of old and new credit cards, checks, and student id's (with social security numbers).
8. Learned that one card already had close to $3000 on it- canceled that one and all others we could remember.  Put alerts on the credit. 
9. Spent 6 amazing weeks caring for team members abroad- cooking for them, praying over them, listening to them, crying with them, teaching them, and growing in love for them and the lost.
10. Got a phone call that our newest daughter was coming over 2 weeks early and we needed to get home as quickly as possible. 
11. Repacked like mad.
12. Changed plane tickets.
13. Got an email alert about the credit situation- found another card we had forgotten about with over $5000 on it, four new cards applied for, and two new checking accounts.  Financial nightmare, part 2.
14. Found out the renters in our other house had a fire with the grill and had burned half of the deck.
15. On the positive side, the house wasn't burned.
16. Flew back over previously mentioned ocean.
17. Went straight to the hospital.
18. Fell in love with our new daughter.
19. Spent a night in the hospital with her (just mama).
20. Signed all the paperwork first thing the next morning (severely jetlagged).
21. Spent a week living across the stateline in KS while the boys and the chief lived at home in MO.  They came to visit every day. (p.s. really starting to miss my bed about now . . . .)
22. John continues to make calls with credit card companies and banks.  Decided to freeze all credit indefinitely.
23. The boys at the home Baby Girl and I were staying in got the stomach virus- oh Lord, please protect us!
24. Praise the Lord, made it home!!! (no sickness yet!!!!)
25. Spent 2 1/2 days organizing, unpacking some more, doing laundry, and attempting to establish normal routines in our home.
26. Got a call that my grandmother and friend had had a severe stroke, was in the ER on a ventilator, and probably wasn't going to make it.  
27. Packed and drove again with Baby Girl to get down to Central Arkansas before she stopped breathing.
28. Read Psalm 23 and 25 and Isaiah 53 and 54 over Gigi.  Sang her favorite song over her.
29. Watched her breath her last.
30. Spent a fantastically fun July 4th with our cousins we don't get to see enough.
31. Went to a graveside service in south Arkansas.  Sang.  Sweated.  Wept.
32. Drove back to northwest AR with my amazing sister and had sweet conversation.
33. Went to a memorial service.  Sang again.  Spoke. Wept . . . again.
34. Began cleaning out Gigi's apartment.  Laughed and wept. . . . . . . . . .  again.
35. Sent John off to a three-day board meeting in KY.
36. Spent three more amazing days with my fantastic mama and daddy.
37. Drove home alone with three children under the age of 6.

The last time we had a season even remotely close to this I realized that my heart is exceptionally good at "sucking it up" and not dealing with emotions.  I also realized however, that when I shut down to my own emotions and heart, I also shut down to God.  I don't get to hear all that he is saying to me.  He has helped me survive in the past, but not thrive.  Suffering is intricately connected to the life of a believer in this age, just as I am intricately connected to a Savior that suffered.  With every ounce of my being, I don't want to miss anything.  I want to show up.  No matter how much it hurts sometimes and no matter how "joy"-ful it is.  Join me only if you dare.