On a different note. . . .

I've decided to try a new tradition this year.  At church this past week, I was praying that the Lord would show my heart this week, which of our traditions are precious to him and which ones he might could do without.  ;)  It was about that time that a new thought came into my head.  I have often told my kids the stories of their births.  I think as a new event, every Christmas eve we are going to tell how Jesus brought them into the world.  It is VERY obvious, with all three of my children, that the Lord chose- not only the day of their birth, but also the means and the testimony of healing that came with it.  It is an amazing story, and I want them to know it well.  There is also a really good birth story that we read through every year, sometimes forgetting how incredible it is.  So, we'll end the evening with the reading of Jesus' birth story.  I don't know how it will work out, but I'm pretty excited to try it out.


Anybody else have any good recommendations about what to do to celebrate Christmas the right way?

The Christmas Tree-

So, my apologies.  It's been a while since I've blogged.  It appears that there is much going on, and blogging isn't stress relieving- as I so long for it to be.  Oh well. . . another post for another time.

We have had a growing tradition of having our friend take some photos while we are decorating the tree.  It's been such an amazing blessing that I thought I would share some with you as well. 

I love this one.  Everybody needs some daddy love.

Everyone must have hot chocolate breaks while decorating the tree.  It's hard work!

Can you see that sweet face behind the tree?

Oh my, we are SOOO happy.

Samuel got to put the angel on top of the tree this year.  He did a great job.

Merry Christmas everyone!  May we strive to see the first coming as a sign and a reminder of the hope offered in the second coming.  Can't wait!

Christmas Begins in our house.

So, today was the day.  The second-in-command asked ALL DAY long, when is daddy chief going into the attic to get down the Christmas boxes???  When Mommy????????

As one can imagine, it was a long day for both of us, but there was a lot of post-Thanksgiving, week-long trip crap lying in my living room and I can't really begin the next major pulling out of new crap until the existing crap has found it's way back home.  (Was that over-using of the word crap?  Can you tell how I feel about it all?)  Anyway, side note.

We eventually found ourselves at dinner time, eating frozen pizza and broccoli, since I didn't get to the grocery store either today.  (another bunny trail, sorry.)  By this time, it was getting close to bath time, daddy chief was leaving to go to a meeting, and we hadn't gotten any Christmas down.  Drama ensued, and wanting to be a parent who is trustworthy, we got a few boxes down before heading to bed.  This was tonight's project.  It involved lights, always fun.  Beads on string, or a train, to a three-year old.  And red, green, and silver ornaments.  AND stockings!  You can't see them here, but they were placed in the appropriate places.  :)

Here's the completed project.

Here's the close-up.  If you are extra observant, you can see my greasy head.  Please disregard.

Anyway, all that to say, it wasn't particularly calm and peaceful, but it was well worth it.  Then, when it was time to go to bed, no one wanted to.  The second in command was sure he wasn't dirty and that he didn't need to get in the shower.  And the first born, through tears, was convinced that he wasn't tired.  Hmmm. . . .

We were finally all clean and brushed and we sat down to read one of my favorite Christmas books, which also came out of the boxes.  "Humphrey's First Christmas" is an absolute delight.  Humphrey the camel learns how sacrifice and obedience from a heart of love are central to Christ and his first coming.  I know, my kids may not get all that, but still, I came out of their bedroom reminded why I love them so, and why my Father in Heaven loves me so.

Then I came out to the living room where I sat looking at my twinkling lights and proceeded to read Isaiah 24.  (not that I was doing my entire BSF study the night before group, but that's a different blog for a different day)  Sorry, another bunny trail!  Anyway, I was dumbfounded again at the word of the Lord over my heart tonight.  Very simply put, he came- in real form and flesh, lived and died, and is coming back.  And when he returns he brings the great and terrible day of the Lord.  It will be amazing, but it will be terrifying and I am learning to look for his beauty in the midst of his judgement, his light in the midst of darkness, his joy in the midst of suffering, and his love in the midst of sacrifice.  I pray to see it better this Christmas.
 
Isaiah 24:14-16  They raise their voices, they shout for joy; from the west they acclaim the LORD's majesty.  Therefore in the east give glory to the LORD; exalt the name of the LORD, the God of Israel, in the islands of the sea.  From the ends of the earth we hear singing: "Glory to the Righteous One."

THE lizard. . . . .

So, yesterday afternoon Benjamin was playing outside by himself for a little bit and suddenly he came running in.

"Mom, I just saw a HUGE lizard.  It was this big around."

 

And it was this long.  Really.

Just for our daddy to see. . . .

So, today was a big day.  Bethany ate her first bit of cereal.  And since Daddy didn't get to see it, we thought we would show him, on the other side of the world.  :)

First we started with a little bit of bottle.  Benjamin was telling me the whole time that she wasn't going to eat her cereal.

Then we decided we could take some ONLY if mommy was holding her.  :)  It went down okay.

Then we realized if we stuck the paci in right after the bite, then we would swallow it better.

Then we found our fingers.  Yummm. . . . . .

Sending out a little love. . . .

SO, a little late, but we had a wonderful day with daddy before he left.  We wanted to be very intentional, and do things that the boys love.  SO, in reverse order. . . 

 

John and the boys slept in the tent Saturday night.  It was GREAT fun, only got down to about 40 degrees and everyone made it all night long.  That in itself is unbelievable.  Needless to say, Bethany and I were happy down the hill in the warm house and soft bed.  :)

There was a wonderful bonfire, complete with friends, smores, and hot dogs. 

And a pretty cute Samuel sitting in a chair with hat.

Before the campfire, we went to Union Station to see the trains.  It has become a favorite activity, and every fall they make a huge display!  It is truly amazing, and the boys LOVE it!

We began the day at IHOP Pancakes. . . . ymmmmm.  Bethany is with us, I promise. 
She's just on the end of the table in her car seat facing backwards.  :) 

Just a shout out to papa!  WE LOVE our hats from Peru!  Thank you loads!

Friends. . .

So, instead of moaning about all things that I can do nothing about, I am choosing to be grateful.  And today it happens to be a couple of precious women.  First, we went to Shrevepohrt last weekend and had a blast.  As Sunday afternoon rolled around, we both lamented (Mama at TLLOM and I) about how our time was ending so quickly.  You see, this precious woman and I became friends in KY.  Even more so, she was the first real friend I made.  Little did we know, it would last 2 moves, four more babies, and five years in another city.  And for some reason, we felt like this trip could have lasted, and should have lasted, much longer.  It's like our kiddos just got a little bit older, they slept a little bit longer, played a little bit better, and we laughed a little bit harder.  We were so encouraged.  Her heart is longing for encounter with the Lord daily, and the hunger that I see in her causes me to want more.  She read the bible in 90 days people!!!  If that doesn't stir you. . . . (i digress) 
And so, with this, I shout out to my dear and precious friend, Candace.  This is what I found on the kitchen counter at her house as we were trying to get out the door quickly and make the 10-hour drive in one day.

Coffee cups . . . . with a fresh pot behind them.

Snack bags for my sweet boys.  Filled with yummy, healthy treats to eat along the way.  If you look closely,
you can see that Samuel's bag has a lightening bolt on it with #95.  Very appropriate, thanks Lightening McQueen.

 And this is my friend Jodi.  She (and her husband) were the first people we met in Kansas City when we moved here.  Her husband and mine were the only people in their FSM class who were married and parents (their oldest Aiden was only about 8 weeks along, in utero, and our oldest chief was only a year old, but that was a HUGE step ahead of the rest of the unmarried, 18-year olds!)  The daddies were immediate friends, and Jodi and I had a wonderful time together.  Since that first meeting, we have had 5 more babies (the two littlest were already in bed), grown together in the Lord, laughed, cried, cuddled new life in hospitals, and prayed together.  This is an amazing woman of faith, and she inspires me in so many ways.  She diligently and fully sets her heart before the Lord daily.  She has strength in her heart and faith the fills a room.  She is obedient to the spirit and tender before the Lord.  She is Mary, at Jesus' feet.  This past summer their family moved away for her husband to go to law school.  And though we are thrilled for them, we also miss them terribly.  She has come for a visit, and as I love to say, "Six little people with TWO mommies is way better than three little ones with one mommy." 

(and no daddy)

Four little boys sitting on a couch reading.  (Yes, mine do have cloths on, you just can't see them. 
I would never put a naked picture of my children on the internet.)

I think what was striking me so clearly, is that both of these women were the first ones I met upon making a major transitions in my life.  Both are dear friends.  And both live too far away. 

However, what the Lord has done in our midst is nothing short of precious.  He has united our hearts and he sustains our friendships.  I am honored to be surrounded by women who encourage, remember, serve, love, and cry with me.  AND, at the end of it all, encourage my heart to love my Savior more.  Thank you friends.  It is precious.

Dinosaurs and Butterflys. . .

Okay, so for all of you who love to see it, I'll just connect you to my dear friends blog.  We were out of town for the weekend with some WONDERFUL people and she is very good and posting pictures.  Anyway, here are some of my sweet babies, and her's as well.

Mash down here.  :)

This one however, was the best.

I love my husband. 

Another reason. . .

Here is another reason why I like summer soooo much, and dislike winter with an even greater fervency.  

 

And there are so many more.  That's just the white load.  hmph.

Grandparents... and the village.

 

Grandparents.  We have some really good ones.  I know, I'm a little bit biased, but really.  We have some really good ones.  About a year after the oldest little chief was born I had the opportunity to spend a week working in inner-city Memphis.  I left my oldest (and only at the time) with his grandparents.  I spent the whole week moaning and groaning to anyone who would listen- about how much I missed him.  And, make no mistake.  I did miss him.  However, during that week, the Lord spoke to me so clearly about a number of things.  Things I would not have heard had I been in my daily life, functioning the same as always.  One of those things came through a mother who lived in inner-city Memphis.  We were talking about mothering, schools, and children, life, and the Lord.  I had told her about my child, staying away for a week, getting spoiled by his grandparents.  She then told me something I will never forget.  "Grandparents are supposed to be spoiling the grandchildren.  It is NOT your job or mine to spoil our children, but it is the job of the grand.  They can build your child's self-esteem while you remember to put him in his place.  Both are very necessary."  I thought on it a while.  As a new mom, I hadn't had the chance to decide how I felt about the role of other people in our little family life.  Since then, I have looked back and realized what she said was profound in two ways.

First, it is not my job to spoil my child.  It is my job to love him unconditionally, to care for him, to consider his heart, train him up in the Word of God, live before him with a servant's heart, and obey the Savior as an example of life.  It is my job to correct him, to teach him what voices to listen to, and to remind him that He is also saved from death.  Being a parent is an incredible thing.  I love it and I take it very seriously.

However, it also planted something else in my heart that has become very central to my life.  I am not the only one meeting the needs of my children.  I have said for years (in jest) that it takes a village to raise a child and yet, I find myself suddenly aware of my own shortcomings.  I am fallen.  I am selfish.  I am tired.  I am only me.  So, at the end of the day, I am thrilled that when I fall short our grandparents will speak life over my children.  They will pray over them, they will love them, they will play with them.  And it is in those moments, when I can stop and hear the Lord, that He renews my heart.  He reminds me that I am their mother, that He can be strong in my weakness, and more than ever, He loves them more that I do.  And that's all that matters.

SO, for all of you who have been asking, I love our new blog title.  I love the fact that we desire real relationships with people, in real community.  Where we can support one another, love one another, and spur one another on towards the Lord.  My community is sometimes in my home, sometimes in Arkansas, and sometimes over skype (Go Egypt peeps) and facebook (shout out to my Seminary peeps!).  Whatever it looks like, I strive to live life with people who are longing for the same thing.  Wherever the village may take us and whatever it may look like.  Let's do it together instead of alone.  For we are all waiting for the same Savior to return, putting our hope that He will make all things right, and that He will judge and restore the earth.

"And so will it be with the resurrection of the dead.  The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable;
it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power." 

1 Corinthians 15:42-43

"All the believers were together and had everything in common.  Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. . . . They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts,
praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.  And the Lord added to their number daily 

those who were being saved."  

Acts 2:44-47

Quote of the Day . . . .

SO, me and the oldest little chief were sitting at the bar doing homework.  I looked out the front window and the beautiful leaves were falling from the trees.  It was really amazing.  I told Benjamin, and he looked out the window, thinking for a moment.  He looked at me and said,

"It's pretty. (pause)   I looks like the leaves are having a war with the grass!!!"

Really, I am a woman living in a house full of men/boys. 

Things I saw today. . .

I am working hard some days to remember what the Lord sees.  I am convinced that sometimes we get completely bogged down in what we see, which is sometimes miserable and without hope.  SO, today, I thought about the Lord's eyes more and this is what I found.  (also maybe just some regular old funny-ness as well!)

A sweet sleeping baby. . .

A beautiful morning out my front window.  See, the sun
shining on the yellow trees in the background?  Amazing. . .

Homework:  NUMBER 26. itch (no matter what that looks like) 

Fall is all around.  Life is slowing down, but not going away forever. 
In their last days before winter, the trees are beautiful.

A week with the only great, great . . . an overview in pictures.

 

Well, we have had a fantastic week.  My grandmother's twin sister, my great aunt, and my kids only great-great remaining, came up for a visit and we have had much fun!  As you can tell, Bethany is getting so much bigger and she loves for her brothers to hold her. 

 

There was reading every night.  Both reading by the great-great and reading by the big boy!

  

There was a trip to the zoo, but sadly the camera battery was dead, so there are no pics of that fabulous event.  However, we spent the next day at a huge botanical gardens, Powell Gardens, where we saw all kinds of plants.  In this pic we were at the top of a silo, looking down on the vegetable gardens planted in the shape of a quilt pattern.  Two things this amazing woman knows a lot about- vegetable gardens and quilts.  :)

 

Samuel just being cute with his daddy.

 

And running through fountains.  What could be more fun?

All this to say, I have many thoughts about the times with my great aunt.  She is a precious one from the Lord, and we both have times of sadness as the memories of Gigi are so close.  I haven't the time tonight to process it all through, but I will say this much.  I am incredibly grateful to the Lord for placing ones in my life who are testimonies of His love and this woman is no different.  She has lived many years, and some of the most recent have been hard.  And yet, she is content in her spirit, patient in her heart, and kindness wells up from within.  I am blessed getting to know her better and look forward to every moment the future may hold. 

the Second Born has a lot to say today. . . .

Quote #1:

When talking about the fact that he couldn't have a large frozen strawberry because he couldn't bite it, he said, "I bet God could bite it. And Moses too. I bet Moses could bite it." 

Qoute #2:

When talking about how he wanted to go back to the pyramids, he first said he wanted to take Baby Chief, NaeNae, Papa, and Erin.  When he remembered that they had all already been (except his baby sister of course), "We need to take Gigi when she comes back.  I think she would like them."

And it's only 10:15 in the morning.  How I love my mornings with my sweet Second in Command.

 

Shreveport Shout Out!

 

So this is just a really cute baby, but when we went outside for the garage sale this past Friday morning it was in the 50's.  Beautiful, but created a need for some fall fashions.  As I looked at my sweet one I realized that we were all kinds of grateful to our friends down south.  The yellow night gown was worn by one Anna Grace, the hat came from her AMAZING Mama, Candace, and the really warm and soft blanket came from our dear friend,  Mama Barbara Chaney!  How we love all of the Chaney/Dent clan in LA!  Love you guys--

Another Moment for Gigi. . . . and NaeNae too.

So, last time we went to AR my mom and I went to the basement of her house and she pulled out this fantastic box.  It had baby clothes in it that belonged to her and my brother, sister, and I.  It was amazing!  SO, since she has been harrassing me (in a positive way) for updated pics of Baby Chief, I thought we would have a photo shoot today in a shirt that once belonged to her NaeNae.  And let me tell you something people, this little shirt had to be ironed!  That's a committment from me . . . but the baby Chief was as cute today as her Grandmother was those years ago.  And I was just as proud of my baby as her mother had been of her.

 

Here's another, just for fun.

For those of you who understand. . . .

I got the new insurance cards today!!!!  For those of you who rememeber, we had a couple months there where the cards for baby chief said "Baby Girl R."  It made my heart sad to see them every time.  We went to court, still don't have the right birth certificate, but faxed the court documents to the right people and they came in the mail!  I would put a picture up if it didn't have all that private info on it, but just use your imaginations. . . .

cards just for Baby Chief.  With her REAL name on it.  Amen and amen.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 

Psalm 139: 13-16
For you created my inmost being;you knit me together in my mother's womb.  
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Gigi and the things she loved. . .

Well, today I had one of those moments. You know, when you are going along, everything is fine, and all of the sudden you see something and the memories are so full, and life is so dear that tears begin to fall. Today, we saw a butterfly on the front window. Benjamin thought it would be a great idea to get the magnifying glass that came from Gigi's house. (He has been wanting one for some time, so when I was going through the garage sale stuff and found one, I gave it to him.) They both (the butterfly and Benjamin) sat there for probably 5 minutes looking at each other.

I was reminded of my Gigi. She LOVED to look at all the things outside our home, from the flowers to the deer to the birds to the bugs. She would notice things outside and point them out to the boys. They would walk around outside together and notice things in nature and she would tell them about it. She would tell them about what kind of tree it was, and what kind of bugs there were. It was precious to me and to them. She would have loved watching Benjamin explore using something that came from her. Know she had played a role in the growth of his mind and heart. I learned many things from my grandmother, but today I am remembering her love for nature and her love for her Savior that shone forth when she loved my children. Thank you Jesus for such time with such a woman. Hope you guys are having a blast!

Finalization and the changing of a name. . .

Our biggest excitement this month was finalizing the  adoption!  It was an incredible day.   There was a judge,
 two lawyers (one for the birth father since his rights had to be terminated) and one for us, our family, my mother, sister and great aunt, and a couple of precious ones from the agency, Hannah's Dream.  How I longed for my grandmother to be there too, but that's another thought for another day.  It was amazing.  The judge entered, and we all stood, just like you see on TV.  They had some lawyer talking, and then the judge looked straight at me and said.  "Do you understand what is happening here?  Do you want to adopt this child as one of your own?"  I answered yes.  He then asked, "Do you understand that this is not like marriage?  There is no option for divorce?  Once this is finished it is final??  Do you still want to proceed??"  A somber and excited, "Yes."  He looked at Daddy Chief and asked if he agreed.  All the sudden, with authority and strength, he said,
     "It is further ordered, adjudged, and decreed that  the adoption of Baby Girl R., a minor child, by Daddy Chief and Mama Chief, husband and wife, be and is hereby granted; that said child is hereby adopted as the child of said petitioners and that the name of the child is hereby changed to Baby Chief."  (let the reader understand)
     And it was finished.  He signed, the lawyers signed, we took some pictures and we walked out 10 minutes after we had started with a new, precious, completely legal addition to our family.  It was ALMOST comparable to leaving the hospital for the first time with my biological ones.  You know that feeling?  Like, is that really it?  They are just letting me leave with this amazing, incredible, fragile, and yet beautiful thing that has consumed my heart??
     I have been pondering and praying for a while now over what that judge said.  You see, I have two different insurance cards that call our daughter Baby Girl R.  That was her legal and official name before we went to court.  Literally.  Baby Girl.  I had no say in what she was named at birth.  I had to wait.
     I was reminded of all the amazing verses in the Word referencing our name and waiting.  Revelation 2:17 says, “To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it,”  I was reminded of Romans 8 where it says, "Not only so, but we ourselves groan inwardly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies."  I am reminded that our adoption is finalized when Jesus comes back, gives us new BODIES and NAMES.  I am reminded that Jesus is not coming back yet because he loves all people, and longs for as many as possible to turn to him.  The end of Revalation also says, "Behold, I am coming soon!”  You see, our hope is not in today.  Our hope is not in who we are now, or “who” we were born, or anything else about us in our lives now.  Our hope is in His return.  When the family is reunited, when we get to be legally and completely His because the rights of this world are officially terminated.  And when we get our new names. 

Some people don't really understand why we got on this adoption train.  It's not complicated, it's not even all that radical.  It's definitely not because we have anything that anyone else doesn't have.  It's simply because we get to see God in a whol new light.  We get to know Him better because we love this little one.  And I, for one, am grateful.  I wouldn't change it for the world. 

What do you do when it rains?

You get on your blue, car raincoat.  (You can't see the cool cars, but they are on the inside).

Be sure not to forget your snow boots.  It may get cold outside, AND they keep you dry.

AND YOU PLAY!!!  

(I couldn't get that pic due to a really cute little girl screaming at me for her mid-morning snack.)

See??

Just because. . .

Just for fun, . .

This is hilarious, by one friend of mine.  Those of us transplanted out of the south don't realize what we had until it was gone. . . .

"How I Know You're Not A Southerner"

In an effort to blog. . .

Hey Lydia, why haven't you been blogging?  You know, you made that big huge claim that you were going to work through all your issues here with us.  What's up?


Ummmm . . . . . I think this would explain it.

An Open Letter

Dear Blogging Friends,

I am making a comittment before you today.  As most of you know, it has been 2 months of drama in our home and family.  I say drama because it has reached from the heights of joy to the depths of sorrow- with every emotion in between.  I want to commit to you (all 4 of my loyal readers!) that I will work through it.  You may want to take a break from the blog for a while-- I am not making any promises.  For the moment, all I am hoping for is authentic.  A heart set upon Jesus, waiting for His return, enduring what he called, "light and momentary affliction."  It will be a journey and I don't even know where it will lead us.  So, to start off the efforts, here's the list of the last 8 weeks:

1. An updated home study at the end of April.
2. An amazing reunion with dear seminary friends-- hallelujah!
3. Packing a family of 4 for a six-week trip over the ocean to a foreign land.
4. Riding with aforementioned family of 4 in airplanes over said ocean.
5. Arriving in previously mentioned foreign land only to hear that our home in the "safe" homeland had been broken into.
6. Learned that jewelry box with incredibly sentimental, though not valuable, items was the only thing stolen.
7. Remembered that also in said jewelery box was a drawer full of old and new credit cards, checks, and student id's (with social security numbers).
8. Learned that one card already had close to $3000 on it- canceled that one and all others we could remember.  Put alerts on the credit. 
9. Spent 6 amazing weeks caring for team members abroad- cooking for them, praying over them, listening to them, crying with them, teaching them, and growing in love for them and the lost.
10. Got a phone call that our newest daughter was coming over 2 weeks early and we needed to get home as quickly as possible. 
11. Repacked like mad.
12. Changed plane tickets.
13. Got an email alert about the credit situation- found another card we had forgotten about with over $5000 on it, four new cards applied for, and two new checking accounts.  Financial nightmare, part 2.
14. Found out the renters in our other house had a fire with the grill and had burned half of the deck.
15. On the positive side, the house wasn't burned.
16. Flew back over previously mentioned ocean.
17. Went straight to the hospital.
18. Fell in love with our new daughter.
19. Spent a night in the hospital with her (just mama).
20. Signed all the paperwork first thing the next morning (severely jetlagged).
21. Spent a week living across the stateline in KS while the boys and the chief lived at home in MO.  They came to visit every day. (p.s. really starting to miss my bed about now . . . .)
22. John continues to make calls with credit card companies and banks.  Decided to freeze all credit indefinitely.
23. The boys at the home Baby Girl and I were staying in got the stomach virus- oh Lord, please protect us!
24. Praise the Lord, made it home!!! (no sickness yet!!!!)
25. Spent 2 1/2 days organizing, unpacking some more, doing laundry, and attempting to establish normal routines in our home.
26. Got a call that my grandmother and friend had had a severe stroke, was in the ER on a ventilator, and probably wasn't going to make it.  
27. Packed and drove again with Baby Girl to get down to Central Arkansas before she stopped breathing.
28. Read Psalm 23 and 25 and Isaiah 53 and 54 over Gigi.  Sang her favorite song over her.
29. Watched her breath her last.
30. Spent a fantastically fun July 4th with our cousins we don't get to see enough.
31. Went to a graveside service in south Arkansas.  Sang.  Sweated.  Wept.
32. Drove back to northwest AR with my amazing sister and had sweet conversation.
33. Went to a memorial service.  Sang again.  Spoke. Wept . . . again.
34. Began cleaning out Gigi's apartment.  Laughed and wept. . . . . . . . . .  again.
35. Sent John off to a three-day board meeting in KY.
36. Spent three more amazing days with my fantastic mama and daddy.
37. Drove home alone with three children under the age of 6.

The last time we had a season even remotely close to this I realized that my heart is exceptionally good at "sucking it up" and not dealing with emotions.  I also realized however, that when I shut down to my own emotions and heart, I also shut down to God.  I don't get to hear all that he is saying to me.  He has helped me survive in the past, but not thrive.  Suffering is intricately connected to the life of a believer in this age, just as I am intricately connected to a Savior that suffered.  With every ounce of my being, I don't want to miss anything.  I want to show up.  No matter how much it hurts sometimes and no matter how "joy"-ful it is.  Join me only if you dare.

Bethany. . . your story, Part 1.

 Here we are walking down the hall, coming to meet you for the first time.  I am struck with amazement that we are almost here.  We have rearranged flights, flown in two airplanes, several taxis, and a mini van to get to you today.  And finally here we come. . .  and I find myself remembering.

I remembered the dinner your Daddy and I had as we decided now is the time to start the adoption process.  I remembered sitting at a table with Randy Bohlender asking all the right and wrong questions, but leaving feeling as if we were ready to start something really big.  I remembered meeting with Tracie the first time and believing her as she made it sound both amazingly complex and simple at the same time.  I remembered last summer, and finishing the mounds of paperwork for a home study, planning fundraising dinners, and praying for you every morning.  I remembered getting to September, and believing that you were going to come to us at any moment, only to see now that the Lord was just beginning to form you.  I remembered meeting for the first time with Susan, from Hannah's Dream.  I remembered loving her and them, but being disappointed because they didn't have any birth mom's yet and it might be a while.  I was so sure you were coming soon.  I remembered getting phone calls for little boys that needed homes and sitting at my kitchen table weeping, that I couldn't save them all.  But knowing that I must wait for the one the Lord had spoken so clearly about. . .  Bethany.  I remembered thinking that maybe you were to come this winter.  And I remember the birth mother the Lord put in our path to pray for those months- only to learn later that her baby girl was not our Bethany.  I remembered beginning to plan for an overseas trip without you. . . confused, but always following the Father.

And then.  I remembered the call from Tracie.  It was in early March and I had just put your daddy on a plane to Florida and then Haiti.  I remembered the frantic call to him.  I remember him saying, "This feels right."  I remembered agreeing from deep in my heart.  I remembered weeping when they called me and said you were a girl.  Our Bethany.  I remembered meeting and signing papers, and asking, "Are you sure June 24 is early enough for us to come back from our trip?"  I remembered working so hard in April to update our home study so we would be ready for you.  I remembered packing your diaper bag for the hospital, "Just in case."  I remembered praying for you and your birth mother fervently, that the Lord would make his heart known to you both.  That he would speak to you both, and protect you both.  And then I remembered yesterday morning, when I got the call that you were coming and I wept again.  Joy that is was finally time and sorrow that I wouldn't be there to get you.  There were wonderful arms there to hold you through the night, and for that I will forever be grateful.  But they were not mine. . .

So, here we are, approaching the door.  I see you and all the world stops.  There is no sound, there is no one around me.  It is only us and all I can think is. . .

"You are fearfully and wonderfully made, little one.  Fearfully and wonderfully."